Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
