Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
