good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
