I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
did i walk over a car last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
