we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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