Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
