omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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