wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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