My liver just broke up with me...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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