The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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