I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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