Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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