I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
