I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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