I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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