I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize