I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You smell like stripper and shame
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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