Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize