just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
