we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
