She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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