I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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