where am i from again
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
