did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
