Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
