apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
