Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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