Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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