According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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