Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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