peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
