i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
