Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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