you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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