If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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