I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
