it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
