Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
