So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
