Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
