he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
