Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
