My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
