I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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