I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
