I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
