And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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