We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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