my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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