The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
