If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize