How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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