that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We had to coat check the pizza.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
