I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize