people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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