She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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