i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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