This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is Oprah even human
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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