His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
