Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
