i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
