tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
