Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
