I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
